18 October 2007

Bleak Lightness of Days

I though the darkest places were already covered with light.

I am still going through it. No matter how much you move on, it changes something inside you. I never noticed this until a friend advised that I need to get some help. I do not believe that a person like me should pay someone to listen to me. But my friend gave me a good point, from his experience: he told me I think that everybody around me especially my friends changed that's why I am easily agitated, or scared of them but the truth is I AM THE ONE WHO CHANGED. I stopped. It was a rude awakening. It is so right. I never realised that something in my spirit is still torn apart.

I wish it'll be as easy as how Peter Pan sews his shadow to his feet so it won't go on its own sometimes.

I know i am a very strong person who can go through anything and will keep on walking towards the light but this is beyond any hurt I have ever known in my entire life. It is beyond words.

I am so angry right now. I recognise these things and the damage it is causing me and the one who did this to me never even thinks that he might need some help too. His entire family is in denial that there is something wrong with him. All the more that I talk to him all the more I get information and all that I am beginning to have doubts about him... and he tells our other friends a different statement as if we cannot compare notes.

I thought I can still be there to support him but seems that his arrogance are buoying up the water. As for him, he's proud that he jumped out of the 7th floor and survived and as if everything is okay now. IT'S FUCKING NOT OKAY! Nothing is okay! I cannot take this anymore. I cannot be his friend for I know now that I do not really know him in the first place.

Now I have extra damages incurred and I will seek counselling soon. I have to fucking pay my way and I am the one whos suffering by a selfish action of somebody else.

I am in total disgust. I wish I can cry on somebody's shoulder. Not a counsellor but a friend. I am so tired of crying but it just deliberately flows...

Wish

i shiver in the foggy darkness...

06 October 2007

Fleet of Darkness vs Silhouette of Days

You wouldn't know what a trauma is until you experience it.

You will only get an idea what is someone going through but you wouldn't really feel how it's like to be trapped in an incident like what I had experienced. I thought I'll go past through this hard but quick... it leaves a blueprint somewhere you can't dig. I feel better now after knowing he's miraculously safe. He got out of the ICU, can talk and speak normally, face still pretty, right hand under therapy, broken ribs and spine healing through time, internal organs saved. One word is "alive".

As my friend said, I am exonorated. It's not easy to be the topic of the people around you and accusing you of a foul play. They do not understand. They do not know the details... or refuse to know the truth. The father saw the 3 locations where he jumped. We didn't know how tall the wall was on the 7th until that visit and until the guard told me how tall it was. I am glad he said his piece and why he did it.

This trauma is not even a battle scar. I can't describe much how it is building and breaking me. It left that weird feeling that I try to fight against. I can't live my life in fear of danger, or else I wouldn't be able to live my life as it is.

I am about to see the days as bright as it was before. Little by little. Strangely comforting at times and some moments, oddly horrifying. I thanks all the times I can manage to laugh and smile again naturally.

People are beautiful. I hope they realise it too.

Now, I hope this blog will go back to normal.

Wish