The Brave Melancholia

It terrifies me to write and expose not to the public but the act of exposing myself in letters and words to my own self. For everything I do tend to stab and cut my insides more and more.

But a part of me is pushing me to type now--- my sadness.

I have to look at my life right now as if it's another work project. Because I can only find comfort in my career at the moment.

I've settled and left my single livid life. No more parties, preparing to be a wife. But now that it won't happen, I have to retrace where I was before I settled into this and I face it with distaste already. Almost nothing I would use are left. I have to discover a world of possibilities... unexplored world that will plot my new land of getting back on track of life.

I will still continue to my plans to be one of the most powerful women in Asia.
I can walk my neighbors' dogs in the afternoon...
I can learn languages...
I can enroll in culinary arts school...
I shall keep on traveling

The party days are really so over. There's a lot more to this that I need to fathom to enhance my life and take the indescribable pain away. I am so sad. But I have to live day by day with this broken heart, carrying on and sometimes finding comfort in it. Tears will always fall... everyday. Each tear seems to be very heavy than ever before.

"Eyes poisoned with tears..." - just read this phrase from The Shadow of the Wind, the book I am reading right now. Right on the spot.

I cannot think past by today. I have to. To take it easy on myself... at least. God knows how much I feel. He can see and hear me.

I am walking alone. Moving on to save myself. I have done more than I could and the ball is in another court.

Melancholia basking under the sun, that is me.

Dear God

The best of the worst always happens to me... the attempted suicide witness, the death of my Mommy on New Year's Eve... and the ending of an engagement.

I feel beyond hurt. I am, for the first time afraid of everything. I feel like dying and I want to die. I won't kill myself but I am hoping my life would end. My soul is not mine, it was a gift but I feel like I always have to put up with things after all the good thing I always try to do. I try to help people, love unconditionally, help people and enrich my spiritual life...

I don't know where to start over again. I want to fight for him but it's a risk that will prolong my pain.

I loved him on the level I thought I will never attain or feel. Someone wants to marry me... and I wanted it. But everything fell so short. I was a collateral damage to all his issues that just arose.

Why does it have to happen in my time with him? Why?

God gave me the biggest sign that it IS him for me... even my Mommy said so before she died. But it failed. I am so miserable. Much more painful for me because we separated not because of "us" but "his" own issues about himself.

I miss him. I want to be with him and I want to be there for him. But it's beyond my control.

He's the worse thing that ever happened to me because I love him so much and I believe he's the only one for me.

It's all I wanted.

Dear God.